Read the Writing on the Wall
A Parents’ Guide to Facebook
By Susan Flynn
Here’s a News Feed for parents out there:
Kids as young as fourth grade are routinely lying about their age to open Facebook accounts.
Colleges have rescinded admissions offers after discovering what they deemed troubling posts by prospective students.
Last month, two Brookline High School seniors were arrested after police learned of their Facebook chat that centered around plans to commit a “massive genocide” at school. They were just kidding, their attorneys told the judge.
“It’s not that kids are evil or bad, they are just not wired well to use these tools thoughtfully,” says Doug Fodeman, co-founder of Children Online, a website that gives parents information and tips on helping their kids navigate cyberspace safely, and technology director at the Brookwood School in Manchester. “Our experience has shown us that their strategy to deal with difficult situations online is simply impulse, whatever pops in their head.”
And probably, with the exception of Einstein, most of us are better off without the whole world knowing whatever pops in our heads.
Click HERE for advice on
"Staying Happily Married on Facebook"
|
For good or bad, Facebook appears to be more than a passing fad; 500 million people now use the wildly popular social media site founded in 2004 by then Harvard University student Mark Zuckerberg. It’s helping friends and family stay connected all over the world, and has forever changed how teens socialize with one another.
Even the movie The Social Network about Zuckerberg (Time magazines’ 2010 Man of the Year) is expected to clean up at the Academy Awards next month.
Rather than fight it, Fodeman and others who study child behavior say parents can use Facebook to help teach children how to make good decisions by talking about who they choose to “friend,” what they and others post, and even what they “like.” His research indicates that 90 percent of all ninth-graders are now on Facebook.
“Expecting our kids to say and do everything right is unrealistic,” says Needham resident Joanie Geltman, a child development expert who lectures about teen issues. “To me, this is a chance to be teaching them life skills that will last a lifetime. It gives you entry into their world.”
To make this journey a little less rocky, social media and child development experts offer a few suggestions:
Parents Should be on Facebook
“We are surprised by the number of parents who have kids on Facebook who aren’t on Facebook,” says K. Jason Krafsky, a social media expert who co-wrote the book Facebook and Your Marriage. “They are really putting their kids into unchartered territory.” Parents should also learn how to use Facebook tools, such as tagging photos, and the privacy settings.
Children should be at least 13 before they go on Facebook.
“If they ask when they are younger, you have to stick to your guns on this and say no, otherwise they will be hanging out with a much older crowd,” says pediatrician Gwenn Schurgin O’Keeffe, M.D., and author of the new book CyberSafe. “Developmentally, they are not ready.”
Fodeman argues that children should wait until age 16 to get on Facebook, when they are more mature to handle it. After all, it was a site created for college students.
Know your child’s user name and password.
“This is rule No. 1,” says Fodeman. He says children generally perform better when they know parents have set boundaries for them. Let children know you will log in periodically to read their wall, news feeds and inbox, to make sure they use Facebook responsibly and to help keep them safe. If you are only a “friend” to your child, they can hide certain information from you.
Ask your child to “friend” you.
“Some say that’s an invasion of privacy, I say absolutely not,” says Schurgin O’Keeffe. “If you have a good relationship with your kids, they will want to. If they don’t want to, there’s a red flag there.”
Geltman, however, disagrees and says kids deserve some distance from their parents. “I think if I was 13, I wouldn’t want my mother on there ‘friending’ me.” She suggests there are other ways to keep tabs on Facebook use, such as reviewing the child’s site together.
Limit “friends” to real friends
It’s not uncommon for teens to have hundreds, even thousands, of “friends.”
“We tell our girls to ‘friend’ people you are actually friends with, someone you call or text or do an activity with; otherwise you don’t know what they’re going to do,” says Schurgin O’Keeffe.
Kelli Krafsky, the other half of the self-professed Social Media Couple, says she has asked her son to “unfriend” someone who seemed like a bad influence. “Everything you put on there is a reflection of who you are. You really have to be guarded.”
Don’t “friend” teachers
This advice is for parents and students. St. John’s Preparatory School, a private all-boys school in Danvers, recently adopted a policy that prevents teachers from “friending” students.
“From the faculty perspective, I think there was some relief when we put it in writing,” says Wendy Olson, St. John’s assistant principal for student life. Teachers didn’t want to be put in the position of potentially discovering inappropriate material and feeling obligated to act on it.
The state of Virginia was expected to vote last month on a similar policy for all public school teachers.
Fodeman also discourages parents from trying to “friend” children’s teachers, as it puts the teachers in a tricky spot. “If I am a teacher and I friend six parents out of my 19 students, suddenly they have access to me in ways other parents don’t,” says Fodeman.
Next: Give Your Kids Some Breathing Room
|
